Yesterday was a hard day for me. I've been sick and now the kids are sick. In the early evening Nevaeh was laying in my lap and I was holding her and comforting her. She never does well with sickness. A thought shot through my head right then. It's something I heard watching a movie a year ago. Temple Gradin. It's the scene when the doctor is explaining to the mother that her daughter has Autism. He explains to her that it is sometimes considered "cold mother syndrome."
When I heard that in the movie it took me two days to recover. There is always this fear in the back on my mind that I wasn't a good enough mother to her when she was little. I didn't hold her enough or love her enough. So last night sitting on my couch with my beautiful and broken daughter I began to weep. I couldn't shake that guilt and I strained my brain thinking about my interactions with her the first few years of her life and I came to the realization that there was no way I did this. You would think that lifted my spirit but it didn't. I cried harder because then I had to accept (once again) that she IS AUTISTIC. You would think by now I would have worked that out in my heart but I haven't.
I got the kids down, cleaned up the house and waited for Jason to get home from a guys night out. When he got home we chit chatted about nothing much and then he told me that his boss came to him today and told him that he wanted to make sure we knew we were welcome at the center. He wanted to reassure us that having our kids there was no trouble at all. He understood that it was difficult but he saw that we were doing our best to handle the difficulties and to not worry about them being too loud or whatever. I began to cry and tell Jason what went on earlier.
There is a scripture somewhere (proverbs I think) that talks about how a good timely word is healing to the bones...or something like that. That was exactly what this was to me. It's not every day I allow myself to mourn like that. But it bubbled up unexpectedly and to have someone say such a thing on such a day really lifted my head. A balm to my wounded heart.
Thank you Jason's boss. Thank you very much!
Satan loves to whisper lies into our ears and hearts to make us think we are good enough, things that have no cause for are our fault. Don't let him :-). Love you!
ReplyDeleteYay, Jason's boss! You are a wonderful mom and you were from the very first moment Nevaeh was in your arms. You inspire me. These posts are such a tiny picture of what I know you go through every day, but thanks for sharing them all the same. Beautifully written, as usual. :-)
ReplyDeleteI love your writing. It makes me feel right there with you and when I'm having a sh*tty day of my own, I remember that I am not the center of the universe; that people everywhere are fighting their own battles. I don't have the same exact struggles but I do deal with mom-guilt. It helps me to remember that I am human, not God. We are all just made of dust. I think my expectations for myself are much higher than God's!
ReplyDeleteLove you!