Thursday, August 25, 2011

Getting by

So I'm preggos and it's kicking my butt. Around 6 weeks the morning sickness, aka: all day sickness, fired off and has gotten progressively worst each day. Now at 7 weeks it's in full throttle and it's all can do to not vomit. I heard taking Unisom at night and B6 during the day helps and I've started that. It seems to be working. The last two days have been significantly better. Not totally better, but better. The other thing that is worse this time than any other pregnancies is the exhaustion. I'm assuming it's because I have 3 kids and my husband works during the day. He use to work evenings and was very helpful to me during the day....lots of naps.

I could use my babysitter but thanks to me running into the garage door our budget is taking a hit and by the time I can afford her again I will be in second trimester. So I'm pounding coffee, EmergencyC and munching on crackers. I'm doing only what is absolutely necessary in term of house work and child care. Jason has a lot to take on when he gets home and has been  a life saver during his lunches. Make no mistake this pregnancy is kicking his butt too.

So the kids are living on Top Ramen, PB&J's, mac and cheese and cereal... it won't kill them for a month.
The clean clothes are in respective piles all over our bedroom floor. Just sort through your's in there somewhere.
And I'm dumping bleach in the toilets to soak instead of scrubbing...if I get any closer I will be vomiting in there.
The toys are thrown on the couch instead of the's easier to find what your looking for.

On the upside... I dreamed we were having a boy!!!

Thursday, August 18, 2011


Nevaeh was about to lose another tooth and we didn't want to do another tooth day party with cake because we have noticed a tooth in the back that could be a cavity. What to do, what to do? Well, She loves Angry Birds. LOVES them.

We told her she had a tooth that had to come out and we would pull it out and she could have Angry Birds instead of cake. She was thrilled. Yanked the tooth, went to Walmart and viola..... happy little girl.

Our next move of Bribery was with Selah. She is potty trained and rarely has accidents if you don't count going number #2. To this day she has still never used the potty to go #2. Soooo frustrating. She waits until naptime or bedtime when we put a diaper on her. If she can't wait for that then she waits until she is outside playing. It really sucks when we are at a park. I can't tell you how many pairs of underwear I've simply thrown away. I'M NOT DRAGGING THAT HOME IN THE CAR. Blech!

So the last time at the park and she did the deed it was so bad I had to lay plastic down on the chair and just drive her home to bath. That was the last straw. On the drive I said to Selah "you are a big girl now, you will be 4 in a few months and this has to stop. You need to start using the potty for #2 now. Will you please try?" and she said so sweetly "OK, Mama."


So yesterday she picked out her Angry Bird toy that she wanted and she was told she could not have it unless she went poo poo in the potty.


This kid. The damn toy is sitting in the cupboard in the kitchen. It could be there forever. 

Friday, August 12, 2011

Love one Another

I had written a blog awhile back about loving others. I loaded it with scriptures and strong opinions and I ended up deleting it because, quite honestly, I had a chip on my shoulder and it all came out badly. I don't have that chip anymore but I do still feel compelled to talk about the matter.

I see so many Christians not walking in love.

I was talking in frustration to a friend in Seattle about some of the relationships I'm building here. I asked her point blank, "What do I do?" She answered quickly without falter, "Love them even if they can't love you back."

"UGH!!!', I told her, 'I'm not good at that." But, as soon as I said it I knew that it didn't matter. The Bible talks about loving your enemies. I'm not claiming I have any enemies but I do feel that love is lacking. I'm in an environment where people look at faults and errors in a character make-up and it's their job to work people through that. It becomes a problem when those gifts pour out into daily relational activities. To have that kind of critical eye can become a shortcoming rather than a blessing if it's not submitted always to the Lord because that is when judgements and perfectionism can get in the way of being loving to each other.

So how do I do that and still be sincere? I don't want to be "fake-loving" people. I want to actually "be loving" toward others. I've been praying about it and about specific people and really trying to do some of the following things:

1. Assume the very best about someone regardless of my gut reaction. I know that sounds naive and silly but it prevents me from dwelling on bad behaviors. It forces my mind to stay focused on their good qualities.
2. Choose to not be offended.... no matter how hard it is. Trust me...I'm spending a lot of time praying which leads me to number 3;
3. PRAY! When I was in AA, one of the things that I had to do was pray for people I struggled with for 14 days, asking God to give to them all that I wanted for myself. Trust me, it DOES turn your heart around.
5. Find ways to love them. I haven't really gotten into this but I've been thinking about ways I can show love by things I can make or buy or do to bless others around me.
6. Accept people in their mess. Lord knows I'm inundated with flaws and even though I can feel the critiquing and judgments coming from others, it doesn't mean I have to do that. I can choose to look beyond that and accept them right there, right now, as they are. Isn't that the ultimate act of love?

Jesus says "Come as you are." He didn't say "Come when you get your shit together." Thank God for that. I would never be good enough so why do I expect others to be "good enough" for me? How self righteous?!! No wonder people are fleeing from Christianity. What a burden to be perfect and expect perfection from others. NO THANKS! I will take mess any day and from anyone.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Dennis the Menace

Today as I was cleaning up the house I was thinking about some old movies I have watched. I was thinking about women that had wild children that always got into mischief and the mother was always at her wits end. Other mothers would look on sympathetically and say "sorry for your troubles."

Now days the look and comments are harsher. The mothers glare at her and usually make comments to others and sometimes to the mother about areas where she should be improving. Advise or just straight insults. Mothers with a Dennis the Menace are in big trouble in this day and age.

My opinion on this? Well, I think we have too much information and we are all so "educated" on parenting that we think we have the angle on it all and if your kid is bad then you are bad. If your kid is wild then you have no control. You must not discipline. Don't you know about time outs and spankings?

Granted there are some dead beat parents. But, I can't help but think of it in relation to my relationship with Christ. I don't always do what I should. In fact, there was a huge part of my life where I flat out ignored, rebelled and ran from Him. He loves me and created me for crying out loud. Who better to listen to then the one that made you. But, I know better and after all, He is the one that gave me this free will. I can do what I want!!! Do we blame God for our behavior? Of course not. It certainly comes with consequences and quite frankly the temptation to do what I wanted vs. the consequence still had me making the wrong choice. Me and Dennis have a lot in common.

What is the lesson here?  Don't have a Dennis the Menace and if you do, grow some thick skin. I have the feeling I have a Dennis. I am still in denial maybe but I'm working on some thick skin...just in case.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Slow down and think

Yesterday was some day! I had been after Selah all day to slow down and think. She is a little like a bull in a china shop. She slammed into Danica several times. Once, while playing around and twice in a fit of rage, thrusting her body around or away from me and accidentally slamming into Danica. We had time outs and talks about cooling her jets. I mean what is this kid's deal anyways? Why can't she just have some sense of what is going on around her.

Well.... I had to yank the plank out of my own eye WHEN I backed out of the garage with the trunk lid up and the garage door not all the way up. WHAM!!!! Bent the whole bottom part. I was so mad at myself and so upset that Jason had to go talk with the Director of my spaced out maneuver. Thankfully he was quite gracious and did much to ease our nerves.

Now I'm not saying that I'm wrong for teaching Selah to chill out a little and try to practice self control but I think I will be more effective when I can slow down and think a little better myself.  How many of us are shooting comments and judgements at someone when we ourselves are guilty of the same thing? We judge what we know and what we can identify... can't do that unless you have personal understanding of it.

Anyhow,  I'm going to lighten and try some new strategies. Like, saying things in front of her. For example: "I need to slow down and think before I leave the house today, do I have everything packed? Is the car ready to go, IS THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN." You know, common sense stuff. It will be good for her....and me.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Tomorrow is my birthday

So tomorrow I turn 36. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't necessarily mind getting older. In fact, there are some benefits to aging.

~ I am no longer expected to keep up with fashion. Shopping at Walmart is normal, not weird.
~ I don't have to tan any longer. The sun spots are blending in and giving the illusion of a tan.
~ I'm still not at fanny pack stage but I can sport a handbag from Payless Shoes.
~ I rarely check my appearance before I go to a mall as I am no longer eye candy for testosterone infused boys.
~ My opinions and/or advise holds "some" value since I have lived 50% of my life now.
~ I've learn that everyone has fears, insecurities and shortcomings. Some are better at hiding them but those that allow them to show through and not hide behind pride are the people I choose to spend my time with. And those that I strive to be like.
~ I have learned that everyone will fail me at some point in my life and I will fail you. I choose mercy over judgment.

~ One good friend is better than a bunch of acquaintances.
~ I have learned that being 21 wasn't the coolest thing ever and being 36 is not the end of the world.

The only thing I haven't figured out is.... am I considered mid-thirties or late-thirties? Not sure if I want the answer to that.


Thursday, July 28, 2011

Switched rooms

Well, I finally did it. I've been anguishing over it for sometime and finally just went for it. I moved Selah into her own room and put Danica and Nevaeh together. Nevaeh and Selah fight every morning about toys, who is going to sit in their swing chair (yes, in their room) and what they are going to watch on TV. It's exhausting and everyone ends up in a bad mood by the time I go get them. Selah even wakes up in the middle of the night attacking Nevaeh and screams "mine, it's mine, you share, you share" while kicking or hitting her. Something had to change.

This morning was quiet and peaceful. I heard them up at 5:30am but was able to stay in bed until 7am while they all played happily. I went into Selah's room first and she was all "morning mama, look I clean up room" and she began to put all the clothes away that she had taken out. I crossed the hall to enter Nevaeh's room and there was Danica cracking up, jumping up and down in her crib while Nevaeh spun around the room singing to herself.

Nevaeh is now free to do as she wishes in the morning. Even with Danica out of her crib (someday) she will be submissive to her so I think it's a good fit. Nevaeh usually will give Danica her binki when she is crying and coax her so I think she will also be sweet towards her. There is competition between the two oldest which keeps creating conflict.

With regards to Selah, I was really worried that she would become entitled and snobbish but she seems to feel validated and important. I feel that must have really been lacking with having an older and younger sister, with one of them demanding far more attention then one normally should.

Needless to say I am feeling pretty proud of myself and grateful that moving Selah, and not Nevaeh, into her own room was the right and best decision.

That is all,
Sincerely....a very satisfied Mama

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

No one knows drama like my drama queen

My middle child is the most dramatic kid I've ever laid eyes on. She goes from one extreme to the next in a matter of seconds. As I'm writing this she is laughing and then crying and screaming back in forth, over and over with daddy. She is like a feral child. Just wild and not easily tamed. Jason just put her in a time out until she calms down. Whew! It's not even 8am. God help us all.

Now she has always been dramatic but we hit a all time high and I beleive this all started about 2 years ago. We were at the mall and she would not follow us and kept wandering off. We were hollering at her to come on, over and over and finally I said, "fine, see you later Selah, we are leaving." I walked off slowly, keeping my eye on her. Well, this completely back fired. She threw herself on the floor and began screaming and crying...."mama, mama, mama." May I please point out that this was all for show and I was still 5ft away. These horrible-I will hate them until the day I die-jackasses rushed to her aid and said "oh you poor thing" and glared at me like I was the worst person ever. I could have punched them in the face. They saw me 5 ft away and starting at her. They saw the whole thing!

Selah learn something that day. She learned that she can draw attention and sympathy from others. What a powerful tool she has come across....ugh. We don't go anywhere now where she doesn't make a scene and carry on. So now I've been saying "nobody feels sorry for you, now stop it." It seems to be working. At home though we have had to start implementing time outs. Not really as a punishment but just to get herself under control.

Time out is now over, Jason left for work and I'm here to fend for myself. God help me.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Autism strikes again

I had to run to Kroger today to get some milk and this women in her 80's was parked next to me. She opened her door and was staring and waving at my girls and she told me how beautiful they were. Danica was really hamming it up and she commented on what a sweet girl she was and I told her that I agreed and have never met anyone as sweet as her and the lady commented that she could tell she gets it from me. We chit chat for awhile about me moving here and my new life. She told me what a good mother I was and just kept saying all these wonderful things to me about parenting and my kids. I don't hear things like that very often. From the outside people rarely see any of that. They see a burnt out me and rambunctious kids. She saw into my soul and spoke what I needed to hear. And the timing couldn't have been better.

Yesterday was a rough one. Nevaeh had wandered down to the center and the worse part was that she was naked. I realized she was gone and ran outside and some people said that she was down the road. I ran down and could not see her so I pulled out the van and drove like a bat out of hell after her. I found her bike but no Nevaeh. Now I'm starting to really worry. Checked the playground and nothing. Horrible thoughts are going through my mind at this point when I see someone and ask if they have seen her. Yes, they said, in Jason's office. I sigh a breath of relief and head down to him. As I pull up he is coming out with her wearing his shirt. She is shook up pretty bad. I guess she was wandering the halls crying and asking for daddy. It makes me cry now just thinking about how scared she must have been. And sick inside that she was so vulnerable. I was feeling like the worst mother ever and I know that there are people that probably think that too. I'm sure it's been quite the source of topic.

If it was me observing this as an outsider I would wonder what kind of mother doesn't know her daughter has left the house. Or why is this kid always naked. These are things you just can't explain to others. Things you can't understand unless your there. I have to do things. I have other children. I can't put a leash on her. She has figured out how to break out of here and undo locks. She has been so good lately staying where I tell her to that I let my guard down. And it doesn't take but a few moments and something of this magnitude takes place.  She hates the feel of clothes...sensory issues that are difficult to explain as well.

Needless to say it was a difficult day. I was so upset I missed my night out with my friend Lacey which I always look forward to. Just totally spaced it out. I also was awake from 3-4:3am just struggling. I want to be understood but who really is ever fully understood. Only God knows our hearts and the depth of what we think and feel. There is only one that truly knows and understands and I have to lean on him daily. Sometimes I feel angry that I can't have a normal life.... eh, I would have hated a normal life.

I hope I cross Grandma Loise again someday so I can tell her how much she meant to me. That is if she is real and not an angel among us.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Playground safety

Since becoming a parent I have visited many local playgrounds so the kiddos can climb around and play and I can get a much needed break. I just read an article that spoke of all the changes we have made to the playgrounds vs when we grew up. Things like asphalt and sand have been replaced by rubber. Monkey bars, tall slides and swings, and Tarzan ropes have largely been removed. We took out the fun stuff and made it safe. We want to protect our kids from every bump and bruise and scrape and pain that might come their way.

So what is the problem with that. Well, for starters when you jump off something and land on concrete you learn something....physical limits for one. Another amazing thing is when you get hurt doing all that fun stuff you actually become less fearful. Studies have proven it.

"By gradually exposing themselves to more and more dangers on the playground, children are using the same habituation techniques developed by therapists to help adults conquer phobias," according to Dr. Sandseter and a fellow psychologist, Leif Kennair, of the Norwegian University for Science and Technology.

Since Nevaeh was able to take her first steps she was climbing on tables, backs of couches, the highest point of any play area and my only way of dealing with this and not having a heart attack was to teach her how to get down properly. When she got a little older we taught her out to jump.  That didn't stop all the mothers from gasping and the fathers from chuckling when we are at a playground. But it's what has worked for our family and I'm happy to see that it's a GOOD thing and she will be braver than most and know her physical limits, which is important.

Case in point, she use to climb to the top of this one play area thing at the mall and do a swan dive-free fall off of it and Jason would catch her. Scared the hell out of people. One day she did it with out daddy there to catch and she hurt herself. Nothing broke but I was firmly rebuked by a lady. She survived and never did that again without daddy. Not to say she didn't stand up there an sing at the top of her lungs and frighten all the mommys still ;) That's my girl.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Simple things

"Whatcha doing mama?"
"Good morning mama!"
"I love you mama!"

Those are things that Selah says to me almost everyday. In between the fits, screaming and tantrums that all 3 year olds are prone to there are words of sweetness. She doesn't know this but there are days when she keeps me going. She is a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde and today was one of the days when I would not have been able to handle the "scary" side of her personality. Thankfully she was pretty pleasant. Lots of playfulness, kisses, and "hugs mama." I was having a hard day today. Woke up with a migraine and for reason I don't care to discuss spent most of my day in tears. I could have really used a friend but to no avail and then came along my sweet angel that I swear God gave to balance out my life and bring in a whirl of intoxicating joy.  Pure love with no requirements or expectations. Just simple love. It's the simple things in life that really matter the most in the end...and in the now.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

A Midwest Storm

We went to bed at our regular "late" hour of 12:30pm and then I tossed and turned. My back was bugging me and I couldn't sleep and when I can't sleep it means Jason doesn't get any sleep. I have to be asleep before Jason lays down because if I am not then his snoring will keep me awake and I eventually kick him out...I kicked him out.

I thought "Finally, I will get some sleep." I did, somewhere around 2am I nodded off. At approximately 4am I awoke to an alarm going off and a strobe light flashing. The sounds of the thunder, rain and wind were so ferocious  that I thought the alarm had been the tornado sirens. My first reaction was the children. Then I realized that I no longer heard the siren sound so I rushed downstairs to get Jason. He tells me it's not a tornado and I yelled "well, get up stairs, I'M FREAKING OUT" and I was too because I got light headed and realized I was about to pass out. The kids started crying so we went up to them and let them crawl in bed with us.

Jason checked the weather and assured me that this was not a tornado. We attempted to fall asleep and I ended up in a ball on the bottom corner of our bed. I seriously don't know how people sleep with your children. Selah just kept pushing further and further into me until I was on the floor. At that point I had had enough and put the kids back in their room with a movie to distract them from the storm.

"Alright, it's 5:30am, just close your eyes and try to get some sleep, you can do this. 2 hours will give you what you need to survive the day."

6am - Get up and yell at the kids to be quiet
6:30am - Jason goes in and tells the kids to lay down and be quiet
7am - Go in and put them back in bed and yell and scream at them to go to sleep FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY
7:30 ignore them and try our best to salvage 30 minutes of sleep. That is the last thing I remember until 8:30 when I tell Jason he is late for work. He says he called in and I whisper something along the lines of "I love you, your the best, can  you get up and take care of the kids" and passed out.

Selah came in and crawled in bed with me at 9am and Jason found her and locked the door. At 10am I awoke to someone screaming and decided that this would be the worst day of my life. Wandered downstairs a little while later to relieve Jason so he could go into work. Somewhere in the course of an hour it became abundantly clear that I would not make it through the day alone. Nevaeh was a neurotic mess and Selah would not stop throwing fits and screaming to which Danica would start to cry. This was going to take a team! Jason called in and we tag teamed them until an early bedtime. I had to run some errands and went with Lacey who had some errands of her own and by the time I got home at 7ish I was ruined. We rushed the kids off to bed, turned on Netflix, ate pizza and got to bed at the early hour of midnight.....we seriously need help.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Things you need to know before you become a parent

In the beginning.

  • It hurts to breastfeed. Even if your doing it right! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
  • They will attempt to bite you.
  • If you breastfeed long enough they will get teeth and the suffering starts all over again.
  • If they don't roll off the changing table, couch or bed you will inevitably drop them at some point. Basically, you will be responsible for at least one mild concussion.
  • In playing around with them you will most likely hurt them on accident. Don't fret we all do it. They are like jellyfish the first year.
  • There will be spit ups that drench your entire body and even in your mouth. I don't recommend holding them above your head.
  • You will feel like you will never get another good night won't
  • When changing their diaper you will be urinated on and shat upon
Case in point... Nevaeh sprayed the entire living room furniture at a month old. When changing her diaper she let lose (grunting and all) and hosed the living room with bright orange, sweet smelling poo. I mean, it seriously shot out like a cannon.

In the middle
  • You will find yourself having ridiculous conversations with toddlers that do not exceed the 2nd grade in logic and intelligence. And you'll be the one that started it.
  • You will have ridiculous arguments with your spouse about parenting. After the first child you join forces and turn on the children instead.
  • You will be desperate at times for adult interaction to the point of exhausting a perfect stranger that foolishly asked "how are you." 
  • You will start to think that good night sleep might happen more than two nights in a won't
They will capture your heart and you will be unable to remember or imagine life without them. Children are truly a blessing and a joy. The first "I love you" or "mama, hug." The first wet kiss. The first crawl, step, climb, leap, jump, crash. The first everything.

In the end

I hope it never does end....Be fruitful and multiply everyone.

    Tuesday, July 5, 2011

    Now your your not

    We found out a few weeks ago we were pregnant and almost immediately (within a week) lost the baby. I didn't feel like it bothered me that much and just felt more determined then ever that we are definitely going to start officially trying to have another baby. As most of you know we have had a few chemical pregnancies and a miscarriage (baby Eden.)  Other than losing Eden we took it in stride and did not let it interfere with our daily lives. Just moved on to have wonderful and healthy babies.

    On Sunday the worship leader of our church just celebrated the birth of their fourth daughter. I thought "aw, that is awesome." After church when we went home and I headed up for a nap, it hit me sort of suddenly and shockingly while trying to go to sleep. I let it come and let the tears wash away the hurt and disappointment. I felt better, or so I thought. Today I feel a little depressed. It's easy to spot because my house is trashed and I can't seem to find the motivation to get up and do anything about it. The kids have watched an endless amount of Veggie tales and I have ranted about nothing much on the phone with my friend Lacey. If it wasn't for the crockpot and the chicken I pulled out yesterday for dinner we would be having Top Ramen to boot.

    In all honesty it just brings me back to Eden. My baby in heaven. What does he/she look like? Does he/she look down on us and rejoice with our good times and plead Jesus to help us in our bad times? Does he/she even worry about such things? If I was there would I be worried about such temporary things? Probably not! When all eternity is before you, this life is but a blink of an eye. Soon enough I will meet my lovely child and he/she can teach me all there is to know of the everlasting and our creator who chose to keep this little one to Himself. For that fact alone I know Eden is special and that is why we picked the name.

    P.S. Thank you Lacey for putting up with my rants today ;)

    Thursday, June 30, 2011

    A Timely Word

    Yesterday was a hard day for me. I've been sick and now the kids are sick. In the early evening Nevaeh was laying in my lap and I was holding her and comforting her. She never does well with sickness. A thought shot through my head right then. It's something I heard watching a movie a year ago. Temple Gradin. It's the scene when the doctor is explaining to the mother that her daughter has Autism. He explains to her that it is sometimes considered "cold mother syndrome."

    When I heard that in the movie it took me two days to recover. There is always this fear in the back on my mind that I wasn't a good enough mother to her when she was little. I didn't hold her enough or love her enough. So last night sitting on my couch with my beautiful and broken daughter I began to weep. I couldn't shake that guilt and I strained my brain thinking about my interactions with her the first few years of her life and I came to the realization that there was no way I did this. You would think that lifted my spirit but it didn't. I cried harder because then I had to accept (once again) that she IS AUTISTIC. You would think by now I would have worked that out in my heart but I haven't.

    I got the kids down, cleaned up the house and waited for Jason to get home from a guys night out. When he got home we chit chatted about nothing much and then he told me that his boss came to him today and told him that he wanted to make sure we knew we were welcome at the center. He wanted to reassure us that having our kids there was no trouble at all. He understood that it was difficult but he saw that we were doing our best to handle the difficulties and to not worry about them being too loud or whatever. I began to cry and tell Jason what went on earlier.

    There is a scripture somewhere (proverbs I think) that talks about how a good timely word is healing to the bones...or something like that. That was exactly what this was to me. It's not every day I allow myself to mourn like that. But it bubbled up unexpectedly and to have someone say such a thing on such a day really lifted my head. A balm to my wounded heart.

    Thank you Jason's boss. Thank you very much!

    Tuesday, June 28, 2011

    Prey on the Weak

    That term "Prey on the Weak" has been mulling around in my noggin for a few weeks now but haven't really felt like I had any way of articulating it. So I am just going to freestyle my thoughts and see what falls out ;)

    It is something we have all done. If you act like you're above this, then you add being a liar to the mess. We ALL do it at some point in our lives. I remember in elementary being the "cool" kid in school. I was on my pedestal for quite some time. I was mean to the less fortunate. You know who they are, the nerds, weirdos, shy kids, name it. If they were not in the elite six (myself included of course) they were treated with minimal tolerance and with the usual antics.

    My glory days came to a screeching halt. The details are less important than the actual outcome. I became a nobody instantly. One day cool, the next day a major loser. I found myself befriending the nerds, weirdos, shy and unfashionable kids and guess what I found out?  There was depth to their personalities and compassion. There's nothing like suffering to produce compassion. I was forgiven and brought into the group. They were lovely.

    Middle school was a strange one. I was on the inside circle again but I had changed. I no longer looked down on other people as before and I never attached myself to any group wholeheartedly. My husband claims I was really popular in high school but I never saw it that way. I never rejected others for not being in the "cool crowd." Now, that doesn't mean I didn't fall short at times or that I didn't give into peer pressure every now and again, but I KNEW what it was like to be a nobody and there were many times I would risk becoming it again simply by not excluding someone. I wouldn't join in some pointless assassination of some poor kid simply for my own pleasure.

    What is this ugly thing that can rise up and hurl itself on the innocent? Why don't we pray for the weak rather than prey upon them? And so what if we are weak?! Isn't it in our weakness that God can be strong? Why are we so afraid to open ourselves up and be vulnerable? Maybe the question I should be asking is why don't we allow others to be vulnerable before us?

    Oh and some of it is so subtle. We say things like "pray for so and so." We secretly realize the weakness and insecurity in someone else and revel in it and think ourselves so much better because we don't struggle like that. We have our poop in a group... yahoo! Look at me!!!! Oh if they only knew. Someone knows. Always and we can't run from Him.

    But how about the other end of this spectrum? If you are the weak one and fall prey to such an onlooker don't you feel it? You know when your being sized up, examined, judged and looked down upon. How do you handle it. Are you bold and call them out? Are you gracious and just pray for them and love them, realizing that they have exposed their own weakness by behaving in such a way? Or do you pout and get wounded, paralyzed by the accusation because you know it's true (or fear it is?)

    I've done them all and been it all. I really don't know the answer or think this rant will change the world but it has been enlightening. The question remains, am I the predator...or the prey.

    Sunday, June 26, 2011


    We have been checking out different churches over the last 11 weeks and we feel like we have finally found somewhere to park it for now. The place is called The Way. It's your basic non-denomination, spirit filled and casual church you would find anywhere really. It's the pastor that captured my attention. He seems to be more evangelistic in his preaching. He has a genuine heart for the lost and genuine distaste for religion. What is not to like? :)

    Today he made a point that people look at the church and see all these don'ts and all these rules, wave their hand and say "why bother." They then see the world and it's freedom. Freedom to do what you like, think what you like, act the way you like and think, "That's for me." It's easy at first to argue, "But we have the power of God, the love of Christ." Well, yes, we do, or rather we should.  I doubt that we actually do. If we did we would have the doors busting at the seams. As it stands we can barely get anyone through the door.

    Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. Is there not? Why can't we just love the hell out of people and let Christ work out the details. Why can't we just be wonderful examples of walking in freedom and His love. Just allow the appeal of Christ to draw them. The pastor spoke about the parable of the lamp. To put it in the center of our lives so that the whole being radiates.

    I am reminded of the first few years of my salvation. I never made it a moment with out sharing the love of God. I was relentless. I couldn't help it. I loved Him, was forgiven by Him and I HAD to tell others about it. I had to share it. It poured out of my every moment and every interaction. I stood on street corners. Watched demons flee. Saw drug induced or insane people become right in the mind and come to Christ. FREEDOM. I didn't think twice about what God could do. I knew He could do anything and I walked in that truth and saw AMAZING events unfold before me. I had bible studies, prayer meetings and with out permission *GASP* didn't think twice about it. I wanted to share... always.

    Now I'm overwhelmed by dos and don'ts. I don't feel the need to stand on a corner now. I don't feel the need to tell my checker at the grocery store who Jesus is. I don't feel compelled to do much but flip off the jerk that just cut me off on the freeway. I should wave my fish symbol at him...doesn't he know who he is dealing with. I want to get back but I don't even know where to begin. All I know is that I sympathize with the pharisees now when I use to hate them.  After all... I am one of  them.

    Friday, June 24, 2011

    Feeling Lonely

    We have been here in our new home for almost 3 months and the excitement and newness is wearing off and I am beginning to feel homesick. I miss my best friend Kim Williams and my God-Parents, Mike and Betsey. They were staples in my everyday and it really helped in keeping me sane.

    So far I've met a few friends that I feel have potential but it takes time, and with kids it takes even longer then usual. When your single there is so much time you can dedicate to a friendship but now it takes planning and much effort. It's hard but not impossible. Being new I don't want to come across too strongly or desperately, though I feel somewhat desperate and I'm sure it shows :P

    I am extremely extroverted. I regain my energy from spending time with others. If I'm in this house for too long without outside interaction I become drained and depressed. I need people in my life to relieve the pressure I feel from isolation. It's not like there are not events and things I could go to but with Nevaeh and the rules in place at Teen Challenge it's just too big of a risk. I can't keep her to stay in one place and set a "good" example and that goes for Selah too because she has followed her sisters lead and I can't bring myself to hold her to a standard that Nevaeh can't uphold. Someday she will get it and then it will be a little easier to elevate my expectations but for now we are all doing our best with what we have been dealt.

    There is really nothing I can do but lean on the Lord and trust in Him to comfort me. I also have to trust in Him to help me develop my relationships. Patience is not my thing and having to wait and not push things is difficult for me. I just want to skip the introduction part and have an instant best friend that I share my darkest secrets and greatest fears with....what is wrong with that ;)

    Thursday, June 23, 2011

    All things Nevaeh

    Lately Nevaeh has been especially hilarious. Her quirkiness knows no bounds and I simply love this about her.

    ~85 degrees out and she is wearing a snow cap and mittens. All day.
    ~She has been having picnics all by her self. For most meals now she drags a blanket out to the front lawn.
    ~Her favorite pass time as of late is sitting on her blanket outside with a book and a jar of pickles.
    ~Her other daily events is dragging the hose to the backyard where the dirt is and making mud. She then gets naked and lays in it. Lathering herself with the mud.
    ~Finding frogs and playing with them, bathing with them and eventually killing which she flushes them down the toilet and looks for more.
    ~Collecting earthworms in her pockets (my least favorite of her obsessions)

    This kid slays me. But as you can see, she is not always alone.

    Thursday, June 16, 2011


    So I have been anguishing over public school vs. home school. I see pros and cons to both but our issue is Autism. It's not like we can just make sure the teacher is nice and some what competent. It's not like we can just make sure it's a good area and decent students. We have to worry about how well do they know Autism and do they make adjustments for the individual.

    These are things I was going to look into and quite frankly it would not have taken much to push me in that direction. The idea of a break during the day is really appealing. I feel like Selah could use more of my attention and I could work on home schooling her. But, luckily, I did not have to look into any of it. I was at a local park this afternoon and I ran into the preschool Spec Ed teacher and we had a lovely little chat and now I know what I'm going to do. NOT PUBLIC SCHOOL... that is for sure.

    I found out that they will put Nevaeh in the general public of Kindergarten. The class size is roughly 20 kids. There is just no way that will work for her. One of the biggest struggles we have found with teachers and truthfully everyone, is that they see her talk and think she is fine, mild, barely Autistic. It's very deceving and it deceves me all the time. I will think I am reaching her and she is understanding but eventually it becomes painfully obvious that she has not comprehended anything I've said. Somehow the words get scrabbled in her head. Another thing is that she speaks in cartoons so if you say something that is simaliar to something she has seen she will say the appropriate (to her) response.

    For example:
    ME: Nevaeh are you ok.
    Nevaeh: Yeah, I'm ok.

    Seems like a normal conversation right. WRONG. She could be bleeding profusely or have a broken limb and she will say "yeah, I'm ok" and she has said that through tears when she is obviously NOT ok.

    I know that because I'm her mom. So to make a short story long ;) I am meeting with a homeschooling mom tomorrow at a park to talk the basics and get me going.  I feel like this is the Lord helping me along to do what I know in my heart is the right thing to do for me but am scared to death to do. I'm really looking forward to the encouragement and wisdom this lady has to offer me and feel hopeful now that I can do this.

    Tuesday, June 14, 2011

    Why is that?

    Disclaimer: This is not directed at any one person. I'm generalizing.

    Today as I was buzzing around the house doing my Flylady (a method used to keep up on housework) my mind began to wonder. I was thinking about how I view Christians vs. Non-Christians. A realization came to me that shocked me... I am more guarded with Christians than I am with the world. Now, it's important to tell you that I pride myself on being vulnerable, open and honest. You know, REAL!! And to most Christians that is what they see. People are always telling me that. A Christian that I ran into at a park recently told me that I was one of the most refreshing Christians she had encountered, so to come to an understanding about myself that contradicts that was a little unnerving to say the least.

    Now my contemplative mind is analyzing this and trying to cut to the root cause of why this is. Why do I feel more comfortable with the unsaved and not just any of the unsaved...but the lowly. The broken. The ones where life has been really hard on them and they know it. It seems to me that most Christians come across as pretentious. They are always trying to "put on" an air of some sort. Trying to "be" something other than who they are. My guess is because the church isn't allowing us to be the mess that we really are. There is an expectation that we are supposed to be perfect. No dirty laundry. No mistakes. Up hold the image that represents the building we attend.

    It troubles me that I feel this need to protect myself from a  Christian. It's contradictory to the word of God. And it's contradictory who Jesus was. He loved everyone...high and low. Another realization is that the reason they are coming across to me that way is that they are doing the same thing. Protecting themselves from the un-trusting Christian...ME. 

    It leaves me with this thought....what good are we to the world if what we have is unattainable and if who we are is unapproachable. I wish I was more comfortable with my brothers and sisters who I will spend eternity with but in truth I find more comfort in the heathen.

    Thursday, June 9, 2011

    Our new baby

    Well, we've gone and done it... had another baby. In the form of a furry little rambunctious puppy. He gets into trouble, widdles on floor (rarely, I'm happy to say) and fights with his siblings. We are in love. He is a great little guy. His name has proven to be a struggle for us. We had two names that we were weighing...Jasper (for a more laid back dog) and Jiggs (hyper, playful.)

    When I first picked up him, he seemed very passive and frightened so I decided right then and there that Jasper was the name for him. On our journey I stopped to visit with one of my sisters and he really perked up at the park and began to chase Nevaeh around, hmmmm, maybe a Jiggs after all.

    The next day at home, while recovering from my 16 hour journey from the previous day we switched our minds again. He was being beat up and attacked at all sides from the kids, Selah in particular. All that spunk left him and he spent most of his day trying to hide from them....definitely a Jasper.

    Over the last two days he has come into his own. He barks at certain things with fervor, drags toys to his hiding spot to chew on and wrestles with the kids... ok ok Jiggs. His name is Jiggs.

    One thing is for sure. He is going to have an identity crisis and the kids are going to be forever confused if we don't stick to a name.

    Thursday, June 2, 2011

    Making my own soap

    So here is the update on making my own dishwashing detergent and my own laundry detergent.

    Dish washing - I am making it with one cup of Borax, one cup of Washing Soda and 2 packets of Lemon aid Kool Aid.

    It was working in terms of cleaning my dishes but we have extremely hard water and there was a horrible film on everything and it was making aime nuts. A friend told me about Lemon Shine which you can purchase in the same aisle as Jet Dry. I add a little to each load and viola, squeaky clean again. The total cost per load...pennies

    Laundry - One cup of Borax, one cup of Washing Soda and a bar of soap. If you have hard water like me add 1/4 extra cup of the Borax as this is a water softener.

    This one has been frustrating. Quite frankly I don't think it works as good as Tide. With Tide I could toss my clothes in, add the detergent and walk away. Everything came out spic & span. NOW - I have to spot treat everything and I found that to be annoying. However, I am using "Folex" and this stuff is amazing. I use it on my carpets, couches, clothes...basically any fabric. It will take pen marks out with one spray and a scratch or two from your nail. MIRACLE So even though it's more time consuming and I have to be sure to spot treat everything I'm saving hundreds of dollars every year. It use to cost me 20.00 every three weeks and now it costs me 1.25 per batch. Which translates to pennies.

    You can find Folex at most hardware stores like Lowes, Home Depot and Fred Myer. It cost me $5 in Iowa and in Seattle it cost me $8. But it's worth it if you have children or pets.

    Borax, Washing Soda and bar of soap can all be found in the laundry aisle of Target, Walmart or Amazon. There are probably other places but that is where I shop.

    Wednesday, June 1, 2011

    For Danica

    You are a year old now and I thought I would recap for you the first year of your life. You were so quiet and calm when you were born and you stayed that way for a long time. We could never get you to laugh but you smiled ALL the time. Everyone always commented on what a happy baby you were. From the very beginning you were sweet. SO SWEET! Somewhere around 6 months we would be able to get a chuckle out of you every now and again but you LOVED to make others laugh and if you noticed something you did made us laugh you would do it over and over again. You talked earlier than your sisters and pointed at things, trying to say what it was. It's been such a pleasure to listen to you and watch you interact.

    You really love your daddy and like to goof around with him and say funny sounds to each other. Your madly in love with Nevaeh and she is so good with you. She has been taken by you since you were born. Selah is coming around and now you and her chase each other around and play peek-a-boo. You still crawl but have taken a few steps already and should be walking soon.

    Your absolute favorite person is Mama though and I'm so happy about that. I love holding you and singing to you. In my arms is where you always want to be. Your such a pleasurable and good natured girl. One of the things you love is playing kisses with me. You give me a kiss and then I shout "ah hahaha I got a kiss." It kills you. You give a chuckle and do it again.

    Grace is your middle name and gracious is what you are. You seem to be very patient and forgiving towards your sisters and us. When you get hurt or they are too rough with you, you do cry but then quickly give them a look of forgiveness after I've picked you up. I'm always taken back at your kindness towards others. It's something God put in you. I pray you will always remember to fear God and not man and so this gift will always give glory to where it belongs...JESUS.

    Thank you, Danica Grace Webb, for entering my life and blessing me so. You are a treasure...a rare find.

    Monday, May 30, 2011


    Two afternoons ago we decided to go on a walk. Now, on our walks we make it maybe 1/8 of a mile. Nevaeh, the wanderer, never lets us get too far. We must stop and look at the cows, bugs, birds and ants. There are flowers to be eaten and nature to soak in. It's her favorite thing on earth.....all of earth.

    We made it to the High School....1/8 of a block and we made the decision to play in the football field since school was out. Reaching the back of the school I see the public pool that is located at the park right next to the H.S....I knew that there was a pool at the park and that people come here to play Frisbee Golf... don't ask, I honestly don't know what the game is all about, but it's a fast and growing sport around here. What I didn't know, was that there was miles of hills, a bubbling brook with bridges, beautiful flowers growing, picnic tables, BBQ's and a huge play area. How did I not know about this?

    We spent hours there. There was a farm at the top as well with about 20 baby cows. Jason and I were trying to navigate them towards the exit when they stopped on a bridge to watch a mini waterfall. I said "come on girls...lets go." Nevaeh's fast reply was "no, we throw rocks." To which Selah repeated. I was about to get after them when I thought "what the hell" and picked up a rock and thew it....FUN! I picked up more and started aiming for big rocks, metals and of course the water. As we were picking our rocks out to chuck down the waterfall I had a flashback to my childhood. My sister and I were never home in the summer. We would play along our brook and played in our woods and our parks and we chucked rocks and explored our neighborhood until dark every day. What a fun time and now I get to do it all over again.

    It never occurred to me that one of the highlights to being a mom is getting to live out your childhood again. This time with a lot more control and understanding of the quickly lost and fragile state of our youth.

    Saturday, May 28, 2011

    Easier said than done

    One of the changes we have made in our home is we now uphold the Sabbath. Sundown on Friday to Sundown on Saturday. I thought "OK, no problem, this should be a breeze and I finally get a full break." Right? WRONG. It's soooo much harder than I ever expected. Listen, I hate doing dishes and laundry and picking up the same stinkin toy over and over again, but, not being "able" to do that very thing is torture. I had to keep stopping myself all day the last week. Then, on Sunday when I woke up, I popped right out of bed, hurried the kids downstairs for their breakfast and set to work. I got the dishes done, wiped the counter, tossed on the toys in the bins and rushed upstairs to fold laundry. As I sat on the floor sorting and putting the respected item in the right pile for put away my mind begin to think over the last hour. I LOVED cleaning up the house. I was enjoying what I feel, at times, I'm forced to do whether I want to or not. How refreshing.

    This Saturday was even more difficult. I forgot last night that it was the Sabbath and I did not prepare the house or myself. This morning when I came down to the mess my sweet hubby left the night before baking his late night craving I had a choice to I live in this or clean it up.  We won't work unless we are asked by someone and than we will unto the Lord as a ministry or service. I decided  when Jason got up I would ask if he would take care of it for me. He delighted himself unto the Lord on my behalf! Feels a bit like a loop hole. Baby steps!!

    Next week is bound to get easier. Each time we get a little better at this. And I'm learning and understanding why it's a good thing and why the Lord asked us to do this. I have an appreciation for what I do every day and I have a day where I can reflect and deny myself for the sake of my King. He is so smart.

    Friday, May 27, 2011

    I need to lighten up

    So I did....

    Today was suppose to be my sleep in day. Around 8:30am little miss Selah Janae came crawling into bed. She was being so sweet and wanting to cuddle. I was beyond irritated. How could Jason forget to lock the door? My one day! As I screamed for Jason and he came running and got Selah, with her dragging her feet and screaming Mama, I realized.... I need to lighten up. So what if she woke me up. Big deal.

    Instead of turning an irritating moment into a sweet, quiet cuddle time with my little one I gave her a loud message and that message is that I care more for sleep than her. Shame shame shame.... then I thought... I should lighten up on me too. So I blew it. Big deal.

    Lets just start over. He mercy is new every morning, even when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

    Thursday, May 26, 2011

    Migraine Blues

    I did not blog yesterday because I was laid out all day and night with a horrible headache. It started late in the day when we decided to go to a park in Prairie City. Nevaeh did not want to leave and now I will give you a glimpse of living with Autism.

    Nevaeh: Can I have play
    Me: No you cannot play. I'ts time to go home.
    Nevaeh: Can I have play, please, please, please, can I have play.
    Me: No. We are going home.
    Nevaeh: Can I have angry, We go play.
    Me: Yes. You can be angry but we are leaving.
    Me: enough...we are leaving
    Are you annoyed yet, tired, irritated?
    This actually carries on all the way to the Van and you would think that would be the end of it but carried on in the Van all the way home. Sreams, cries, asking over and over and over and over and over. Then it carried on at home until we put her to bed. 2 hours. She was mad and we all heard it.

    The onlookers were shooting me disapproving looks. Which leads me to my rant and hopefully a lessons to the reader. In most situations you can watch a child's behavior and decide what kind of home-life they lead or what kind of parent they have. I'm sure it looks like I must give in all the time and these kids are out of control. But with Autism. It doesn't matter if you say no or how many times. If they get their mind on something or if it's suppose to be a certain way (in their mind) then they demand it that way. She literally freaks out when things don't go according to plan. They do not live on normal standards. They march to the beat to their own drum and quite frankly, on a good day, it's what I love about her most.

    What doesn't work is: spanking, yelling, getting mad, taking away a toy, grounding, bed with out dinner, time outs...NOTHING WORKS. You simply ride the storm until it blows over. So, on-looker-prideful glare-I would handle that different-I wouldn't put up with that from my kid, understand that the moment you were just privy to is my every day and every moment. And just because you know someone who has an Autistic kid does not mean you understand what it's like to live with an Autistic kid. 50 years ago they lived in homes because it would not have been expected of a parent to handle this. I'm wondering the same thing myself but I keep trucking. Somehow, every day, the Lord gives me the strength and wisdom to get through the day and for the most part enjoy it. It's just the public-out in front of strangers-days that get to me the most. It's difficult not being understood. I'm just so thankful that I have a husband that understands and rides the storms with me and so thankful I have a King that equips me and holds me. He is the lifter of my head.

    Tuesday, May 24, 2011

    Red Rock

    Yesterday I just needed to get out of here and play so I packed up the girls after lunch and we drove to Red Rock. That is an area on a huge lake (largest in the state) that has some beaches and fun parks. The last time we were there we found this closed off boat launch that is no longer in use. The huge log comes into play later on.
     As you can tell it's pretty vacant and on our long walk down to the water I really had to pee SO I WENT. Yep right on the road. It couldn't be helped. Well, Nevaeh thought that looked like a pretty good idea, so she went. Selah of course, had to do what sissy was doing. After the deed we all carried on again.

    The girls were having a blast and I was trying to keep them from going out too deep. Danica was not getting it. It became our first, and I fear not the last of many wars. Here comes the log. I dragged that ridiculously huge tree out and set up a barricade. I was feeling pretty proud of myself until....

       They began using it as a floatation devise. They were literally trying to ride it out to sea. This battle went on for awhile until I had to call it quits. If you could see a picture of me you would see me dripping with sweat, needing to pee AGAIN and frustrated beyond belief. What is that you say? Did we have fun? Uh, yeah of course... why would you asked such a thing... this is life as a Webb.....collapse

    You would think that is enough of the story and an end to a webb-perfect day but we decided to go to a baseball game that night. Teen Challenge was playing Cornerstone church. Side note: made a new friend from cornerstone, yeah me. We got there early to say hi and watch just a little bit because our kids go to bed early and we still had not ate dinner and needed to do some shopping. Things were going well and I was really enjoying myself UNTIL Nevaeh decided she needed to take a dump.... in the lawn, in front of God and all these lovely church going folk. And guess who couldn't get mad at her. Needless to say we made our mark and headed out as fast as we could. Side note #2: My new friend was not flustered in the least and had to offer a few stories of her own. The worst part of all of this is that I brought the potty with us "just in case."