Thursday, July 28, 2011

Switched rooms

Well, I finally did it. I've been anguishing over it for sometime and finally just went for it. I moved Selah into her own room and put Danica and Nevaeh together. Nevaeh and Selah fight every morning about toys, who is going to sit in their swing chair (yes, in their room) and what they are going to watch on TV. It's exhausting and everyone ends up in a bad mood by the time I go get them. Selah even wakes up in the middle of the night attacking Nevaeh and screams "mine, it's mine, you share, you share" while kicking or hitting her. Something had to change.

This morning was quiet and peaceful. I heard them up at 5:30am but was able to stay in bed until 7am while they all played happily. I went into Selah's room first and she was all "morning mama, look I clean up room" and she began to put all the clothes away that she had taken out. I crossed the hall to enter Nevaeh's room and there was Danica cracking up, jumping up and down in her crib while Nevaeh spun around the room singing to herself.

Nevaeh is now free to do as she wishes in the morning. Even with Danica out of her crib (someday) she will be submissive to her so I think it's a good fit. Nevaeh usually will give Danica her binki when she is crying and coax her so I think she will also be sweet towards her. There is competition between the two oldest which keeps creating conflict.

With regards to Selah, I was really worried that she would become entitled and snobbish but she seems to feel validated and important. I feel that must have really been lacking with having an older and younger sister, with one of them demanding far more attention then one normally should.

Needless to say I am feeling pretty proud of myself and grateful that moving Selah, and not Nevaeh, into her own room was the right and best decision.

That is all,
Sincerely....a very satisfied Mama

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

No one knows drama like my drama queen

My middle child is the most dramatic kid I've ever laid eyes on. She goes from one extreme to the next in a matter of seconds. As I'm writing this she is laughing and then crying and screaming back in forth, over and over with daddy. She is like a feral child. Just wild and not easily tamed. Jason just put her in a time out until she calms down. Whew! It's not even 8am. God help us all.

Now she has always been dramatic but we hit a all time high and I beleive this all started about 2 years ago. We were at the mall and she would not follow us and kept wandering off. We were hollering at her to come on, over and over and finally I said, "fine, see you later Selah, we are leaving." I walked off slowly, keeping my eye on her. Well, this completely back fired. She threw herself on the floor and began screaming and crying...."mama, mama, mama." May I please point out that this was all for show and I was still 5ft away. These horrible-I will hate them until the day I die-jackasses rushed to her aid and said "oh you poor thing" and glared at me like I was the worst person ever. I could have punched them in the face. They saw me 5 ft away and starting at her. They saw the whole thing!

Selah learn something that day. She learned that she can draw attention and sympathy from others. What a powerful tool she has come across....ugh. We don't go anywhere now where she doesn't make a scene and carry on. So now I've been saying "nobody feels sorry for you, now stop it." It seems to be working. At home though we have had to start implementing time outs. Not really as a punishment but just to get herself under control.

Time out is now over, Jason left for work and I'm here to fend for myself. God help me.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Autism strikes again

I had to run to Kroger today to get some milk and this women in her 80's was parked next to me. She opened her door and was staring and waving at my girls and she told me how beautiful they were. Danica was really hamming it up and she commented on what a sweet girl she was and I told her that I agreed and have never met anyone as sweet as her and the lady commented that she could tell she gets it from me. We chit chat for awhile about me moving here and my new life. She told me what a good mother I was and just kept saying all these wonderful things to me about parenting and my kids. I don't hear things like that very often. From the outside people rarely see any of that. They see a burnt out me and rambunctious kids. She saw into my soul and spoke what I needed to hear. And the timing couldn't have been better.

Yesterday was a rough one. Nevaeh had wandered down to the center and the worse part was that she was naked. I realized she was gone and ran outside and some people said that she was down the road. I ran down and could not see her so I pulled out the van and drove like a bat out of hell after her. I found her bike but no Nevaeh. Now I'm starting to really worry. Checked the playground and nothing. Horrible thoughts are going through my mind at this point when I see someone and ask if they have seen her. Yes, they said, in Jason's office. I sigh a breath of relief and head down to him. As I pull up he is coming out with her wearing his shirt. She is shook up pretty bad. I guess she was wandering the halls crying and asking for daddy. It makes me cry now just thinking about how scared she must have been. And sick inside that she was so vulnerable. I was feeling like the worst mother ever and I know that there are people that probably think that too. I'm sure it's been quite the source of topic.

If it was me observing this as an outsider I would wonder what kind of mother doesn't know her daughter has left the house. Or why is this kid always naked. These are things you just can't explain to others. Things you can't understand unless your there. I have to do things. I have other children. I can't put a leash on her. She has figured out how to break out of here and undo locks. She has been so good lately staying where I tell her to that I let my guard down. And it doesn't take but a few moments and something of this magnitude takes place.  She hates the feel of clothes...sensory issues that are difficult to explain as well.

Needless to say it was a difficult day. I was so upset I missed my night out with my friend Lacey which I always look forward to. Just totally spaced it out. I also was awake from 3-4:3am just struggling. I want to be understood but who really is ever fully understood. Only God knows our hearts and the depth of what we think and feel. There is only one that truly knows and understands and I have to lean on him daily. Sometimes I feel angry that I can't have a normal life.... eh, I would have hated a normal life.

I hope I cross Grandma Loise again someday so I can tell her how much she meant to me. That is if she is real and not an angel among us.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Playground safety

Since becoming a parent I have visited many local playgrounds so the kiddos can climb around and play and I can get a much needed break. I just read an article that spoke of all the changes we have made to the playgrounds vs when we grew up. Things like asphalt and sand have been replaced by rubber. Monkey bars, tall slides and swings, and Tarzan ropes have largely been removed. We took out the fun stuff and made it safe. We want to protect our kids from every bump and bruise and scrape and pain that might come their way.

So what is the problem with that. Well, for starters when you jump off something and land on concrete you learn something....physical limits for one. Another amazing thing is when you get hurt doing all that fun stuff you actually become less fearful. Studies have proven it.

"By gradually exposing themselves to more and more dangers on the playground, children are using the same habituation techniques developed by therapists to help adults conquer phobias," according to Dr. Sandseter and a fellow psychologist, Leif Kennair, of the Norwegian University for Science and Technology.

Since Nevaeh was able to take her first steps she was climbing on tables, backs of couches, the highest point of any play area and my only way of dealing with this and not having a heart attack was to teach her how to get down properly. When she got a little older we taught her out to jump.  That didn't stop all the mothers from gasping and the fathers from chuckling when we are at a playground. But it's what has worked for our family and I'm happy to see that it's a GOOD thing and she will be braver than most and know her physical limits, which is important.

Case in point, she use to climb to the top of this one play area thing at the mall and do a swan dive-free fall off of it and Jason would catch her. Scared the hell out of people. One day she did it with out daddy there to catch and she hurt herself. Nothing broke but I was firmly rebuked by a lady. She survived and never did that again without daddy. Not to say she didn't stand up there an sing at the top of her lungs and frighten all the mommys still ;) That's my girl.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Simple things

"Whatcha doing mama?"
"Good morning mama!"
"I love you mama!"

Those are things that Selah says to me almost everyday. In between the fits, screaming and tantrums that all 3 year olds are prone to there are words of sweetness. She doesn't know this but there are days when she keeps me going. She is a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde and today was one of the days when I would not have been able to handle the "scary" side of her personality. Thankfully she was pretty pleasant. Lots of playfulness, kisses, and "hugs mama." I was having a hard day today. Woke up with a migraine and for reason I don't care to discuss spent most of my day in tears. I could have really used a friend but to no avail and then came along my sweet angel that I swear God gave to balance out my life and bring in a whirl of intoxicating joy.  Pure love with no requirements or expectations. Just simple love. It's the simple things in life that really matter the most in the end...and in the now.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

A Midwest Storm

We went to bed at our regular "late" hour of 12:30pm and then I tossed and turned. My back was bugging me and I couldn't sleep and when I can't sleep it means Jason doesn't get any sleep. I have to be asleep before Jason lays down because if I am not then his snoring will keep me awake and I eventually kick him out...I kicked him out.

I thought "Finally, I will get some sleep." I did, somewhere around 2am I nodded off. At approximately 4am I awoke to an alarm going off and a strobe light flashing. The sounds of the thunder, rain and wind were so ferocious  that I thought the alarm had been the tornado sirens. My first reaction was the children. Then I realized that I no longer heard the siren sound so I rushed downstairs to get Jason. He tells me it's not a tornado and I yelled "well, get up stairs, I'M FREAKING OUT" and I was too because I got light headed and realized I was about to pass out. The kids started crying so we went up to them and let them crawl in bed with us.

Jason checked the weather and assured me that this was not a tornado. We attempted to fall asleep and I ended up in a ball on the bottom corner of our bed. I seriously don't know how people sleep with your children. Selah just kept pushing further and further into me until I was on the floor. At that point I had had enough and put the kids back in their room with a movie to distract them from the storm.

"Alright, it's 5:30am, just close your eyes and try to get some sleep, you can do this. 2 hours will give you what you need to survive the day."

6am - Get up and yell at the kids to be quiet
6:30am - Jason goes in and tells the kids to lay down and be quiet
7am - Go in and put them back in bed and yell and scream at them to go to sleep FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY
7:30 ignore them and try our best to salvage 30 minutes of sleep. That is the last thing I remember until 8:30 when I tell Jason he is late for work. He says he called in and I whisper something along the lines of "I love you, your the best, can  you get up and take care of the kids" and passed out.

Selah came in and crawled in bed with me at 9am and Jason found her and locked the door. At 10am I awoke to someone screaming and decided that this would be the worst day of my life. Wandered downstairs a little while later to relieve Jason so he could go into work. Somewhere in the course of an hour it became abundantly clear that I would not make it through the day alone. Nevaeh was a neurotic mess and Selah would not stop throwing fits and screaming to which Danica would start to cry. This was going to take a team! Jason called in and we tag teamed them until an early bedtime. I had to run some errands and went with Lacey who had some errands of her own and by the time I got home at 7ish I was ruined. We rushed the kids off to bed, turned on Netflix, ate pizza and got to bed at the early hour of midnight.....we seriously need help.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Things you need to know before you become a parent

In the beginning.

  • It hurts to breastfeed. Even if your doing it right! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
  • They will attempt to bite you.
  • If you breastfeed long enough they will get teeth and the suffering starts all over again.
  • If they don't roll off the changing table, couch or bed you will inevitably drop them at some point. Basically, you will be responsible for at least one mild concussion.
  • In playing around with them you will most likely hurt them on accident. Don't fret we all do it. They are like jellyfish the first year.
  • There will be spit ups that drench your entire body and even in your mouth. I don't recommend holding them above your head.
  • You will feel like you will never get another good night won't
  • When changing their diaper you will be urinated on and shat upon
Case in point... Nevaeh sprayed the entire living room furniture at a month old. When changing her diaper she let lose (grunting and all) and hosed the living room with bright orange, sweet smelling poo. I mean, it seriously shot out like a cannon.

In the middle
  • You will find yourself having ridiculous conversations with toddlers that do not exceed the 2nd grade in logic and intelligence. And you'll be the one that started it.
  • You will have ridiculous arguments with your spouse about parenting. After the first child you join forces and turn on the children instead.
  • You will be desperate at times for adult interaction to the point of exhausting a perfect stranger that foolishly asked "how are you." 
  • You will start to think that good night sleep might happen more than two nights in a won't
They will capture your heart and you will be unable to remember or imagine life without them. Children are truly a blessing and a joy. The first "I love you" or "mama, hug." The first wet kiss. The first crawl, step, climb, leap, jump, crash. The first everything.

In the end

I hope it never does end....Be fruitful and multiply everyone.

    Tuesday, July 5, 2011

    Now your your not

    We found out a few weeks ago we were pregnant and almost immediately (within a week) lost the baby. I didn't feel like it bothered me that much and just felt more determined then ever that we are definitely going to start officially trying to have another baby. As most of you know we have had a few chemical pregnancies and a miscarriage (baby Eden.)  Other than losing Eden we took it in stride and did not let it interfere with our daily lives. Just moved on to have wonderful and healthy babies.

    On Sunday the worship leader of our church just celebrated the birth of their fourth daughter. I thought "aw, that is awesome." After church when we went home and I headed up for a nap, it hit me sort of suddenly and shockingly while trying to go to sleep. I let it come and let the tears wash away the hurt and disappointment. I felt better, or so I thought. Today I feel a little depressed. It's easy to spot because my house is trashed and I can't seem to find the motivation to get up and do anything about it. The kids have watched an endless amount of Veggie tales and I have ranted about nothing much on the phone with my friend Lacey. If it wasn't for the crockpot and the chicken I pulled out yesterday for dinner we would be having Top Ramen to boot.

    In all honesty it just brings me back to Eden. My baby in heaven. What does he/she look like? Does he/she look down on us and rejoice with our good times and plead Jesus to help us in our bad times? Does he/she even worry about such things? If I was there would I be worried about such temporary things? Probably not! When all eternity is before you, this life is but a blink of an eye. Soon enough I will meet my lovely child and he/she can teach me all there is to know of the everlasting and our creator who chose to keep this little one to Himself. For that fact alone I know Eden is special and that is why we picked the name.

    P.S. Thank you Lacey for putting up with my rants today ;)