I had to run to Kroger today to get some milk and this women in her 80's was parked next to me. She opened her door and was staring and waving at my girls and she told me how beautiful they were. Danica was really hamming it up and she commented on what a sweet girl she was and I told her that I agreed and have never met anyone as sweet as her and the lady commented that she could tell she gets it from me. We chit chat for awhile about me moving here and my new life. She told me what a good mother I was and just kept saying all these wonderful things to me about parenting and my kids. I don't hear things like that very often. From the outside people rarely see any of that. They see a burnt out me and rambunctious kids. She saw into my soul and spoke what I needed to hear. And the timing couldn't have been better.
Yesterday was a rough one. Nevaeh had wandered down to the center and the worse part was that she was naked. I realized she was gone and ran outside and some people said that she was down the road. I ran down and could not see her so I pulled out the van and drove like a bat out of hell after her. I found her bike but no Nevaeh. Now I'm starting to really worry. Checked the playground and nothing. Horrible thoughts are going through my mind at this point when I see someone and ask if they have seen her. Yes, they said, in Jason's office. I sigh a breath of relief and head down to him. As I pull up he is coming out with her wearing his shirt. She is shook up pretty bad. I guess she was wandering the halls crying and asking for daddy. It makes me cry now just thinking about how scared she must have been. And sick inside that she was so vulnerable. I was feeling like the worst mother ever and I know that there are people that probably think that too. I'm sure it's been quite the source of topic.
If it was me observing this as an outsider I would wonder what kind of mother doesn't know her daughter has left the house. Or why is this kid always naked. These are things you just can't explain to others. Things you can't understand unless your there. I have to do things. I have other children. I can't put a leash on her. She has figured out how to break out of here and undo locks. She has been so good lately staying where I tell her to that I let my guard down. And it doesn't take but a few moments and something of this magnitude takes place. She hates the feel of clothes...sensory issues that are difficult to explain as well.
Needless to say it was a difficult day. I was so upset I missed my night out with my friend Lacey which I always look forward to. Just totally spaced it out. I also was awake from 3-4:3am just struggling. I want to be understood but who really is ever fully understood. Only God knows our hearts and the depth of what we think and feel. There is only one that truly knows and understands and I have to lean on him daily. Sometimes I feel angry that I can't have a normal life.... eh, I would have hated a normal life.
I hope I cross Grandma Loise again someday so I can tell her how much she meant to me. That is if she is real and not an angel among us.